


Pinky Promise

by becausebecca



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Comfort, Cuddling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Henry Laurens' A+ Parenting, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecure John, Laflams, Lams - Freeform, Light Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 10:03:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15240984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/becausebecca/pseuds/becausebecca
Summary: Alex comes home and finds John having a panic attack.





	Pinky Promise

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warning for implied self harm, child abuse and violence. Hence the tags.
> 
> If you find any mistakes, please tell me that I can correct them.

"John, I'm home!," Alex yelled, throwing the door shut behind him. He didn't receive an answer, surprisingly, and worry rose in his chest. John was always home before him, John was always answering him when he came home. Why wasn't he now? 

"John?," he called out, "where are you?" 

His brow furrowed together and he let his bag fall to the floor with a thump, hearing a whimper from their, that is John, Lafayette and Alex, bedroom a second later. Growing more and more worried he walked over and knocked on the door. 

"John? Little one, it's me, Alex. Can I come in?" 

As he didn't get an answer, he opened the door, slowly, not wanting to scare John. The sight that was displayed to him broke his heart. John was lying on their bed on his side, shaking, legs pulled up to his body, tears falling from his closed eyes. His hands covered his ears and his childhood teddy bear, Carlie, was lying close to his chest, as if he had held it only seconds ago. His breaths were rushed, as if he couldn't get enough air into his lungs. Alex stayed in the door way, knowing that coming too close without warning would just make it worse. 

"Baby boy, can you hear me? Can you take your hands off of your ears for me?," Alex coaxed quietly. John complied, slowly letting his shaking hands fall down in front of him and then grabbing Carlie and holding him close to his chest again. 

"Thank you, baby boy. Can I come closer? Give me a nod, if it's okay. If not, that is okay, too, just shake your head, then, okay?" 

Alex knew that John could be incredibly insecure, insecure to a point that he'd do anything just to get praise from someone, even if he wasn't comfortable at all. That's why, in cases like this, he and Lafayette always made sure to let John know that backing out was always an option, that he was not forced to do anything and that Laf and Alex wouldn't be mad at him if he said no. 

John's nod was so small that Alex could barely see it. With small steps, he slowly approached the bed and sat down on the bed about two feet away from John. He felt his chest tighten when he saw John flinch and heard John's breath speeding up even more as the matress dipped, wishing he could do something to take away John's fear, wishing he could change the fact that John had been hit too often already to make his brain believe that Alex wouldn't hurt him.

"You're doing so good, little one. So good. Just breathe, okay? It's just me, Alex," Alex reassured John. He waited a few minutes until John breathed a little slower again, still not normal, definitely not normal, but slower again.

"Little one, can I touch you? I won't hurt you, I promise. Just nod or shake your head."

John hesitated, nodded finally, his eyes still closed. He flinched again when he felt Alex's still hand at his shoulder, but he soon leant into the touch. This encouraged Alex to start rubbing small circles into John's back, trying to calm him.

"I'm sorry, Alex, I'm so, so sorry, please don't hurt me," John whispered, over and over, still shaking with sobs. 

"Shh, little one. You're okay, I'm not mad and I won't hurt you, I promise. I'm not mad. I'm gonna lie down next to you, okay? Is that okay, baby boy?" 

John nodded and a few seconds later, Alex wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, holding him closely, with John's head tucked under Alex's chin, Carlie squished in between them. 

"You're okay, baby, you're safe, I got you, nobody's mad at you, I promise," Alex murmured calmly, one hand still slowly rubbing John's back. He felt John's muscles relax under his touch, felt the breath against his neck getting calmer, more regular. 

"Can you tell me what upset you so much?," he asked, tone low and gentle in an attempt to be at least somehow soothing.

"You promise you won't be mad?," John asked back, his quiet voice breaking. 

"I promise, little one," Alex reassured him, still wondering what had made John so upset. John sniffled. 

"My father called this morning. I didn't tell you or Laf, I thought I could handle it, but I couldn't and then I," he took a breath, "I'm so sorry, Alex. I'm so stupid and I'm so sorry. I cut. I couldn't help it, I'm sorry, please don't be mad, don't hurt me, you promised you wouldn't be mad, please, I'm-" 

"Jacky, breathe," Alex interrupted him, "breathe. I'm not mad and I wouldn't hurt you in a million years, little one, I would never, never hurt you. I'm sad that you hurt yourself and I don't like it and I wish you didn't because it is endangering you and I love you and I don't want to lose you, but I'm not mad. Okay? I'm not mad, I promise." 

"Pinky promise?," John asked, looking up at Alex, for the first time opening his eyes since Alex came home. 

Alex smiled and took one arm out of the embrace to hold out his pinky. 

"Pinky promise, little one." 

John linked his pinky with Alex's, slowly calming down after until he was relaxed, leaning into Alex's side. Alex put his arm around him again, pressed his lips to John's hair, his fingers stroking John's back.

"Baby boy? Did you clean and bandage the cuts?," Alex asked quietly, feeling relieved when John nodded instantly. 

"You know we need to talk about this when Laf comes home?" 

"I don't want to, Alex." 

Alex held back a sigh, not wanting John to think that he was mad. He wasn't, really, but they had had this conversation already too often for it to not become tiring. 

"I know you don't want to, little one. But this is not healthy for you and Laf and I are worried. We don't want to lose you, damn, Jack, we can't lose you. We need you so much, we love you so much." 

Alex felt himself choke up and tried to swallow his tears. Crying wouldn't help right now, it would just make John feel anxious and guilty again. 

"I'm not mad at you and I don't want you to feel uncomfortable but we need to talk about this to find a way for you to deal with what upsets you without hurting yourself. This is hard for you and I understand that but try to see Laf's and my side of it, too; we don't want you to get hurt, and it is hard for us to understand why you're hurting yourself, how you just can't seem to see that you're perfect and that  you deserve the world and that your father is totally wrong when he tells you otherwise or worse, when he tries to hurt you. It's important for us that you understand and remember that under no circumstances you deserve to be hurt or in pain, okay?" 

John nods against Alex's chest. 

"Okay." 

He pauses, takes Alex's hand. 

"Lexi?" 

Alex relaxed, hearing the stupid nickname, that John would never use when he was still very upset or anxious. 

"Yes, Jack?" 

"Thank you. I love you." 

A smile spread on Alex's face. 

"I love you, too. So, so much, little one. Just relax now. I know you're exhausted." 

"You're not going anywhere?" 

Alex held his pinky out and waited for John to link their pinkies again, happy when he saw the smile on John's face. 

"Pinky promise."


End file.
